9:15am. April 1st 2014. I just came back from walking my dog. Leia is beginning to learn to be more gentle with me. I’m proud of her.
How I’m feeling: Disoriented. Confused. Sad. I had a dream last night about a certain somebody and a speculation that I’ve realized in the end doesn’t matter. Because nothing matters but me and my die-hard committed loved ones who have decided to step up to the plate to help me with this battle of mine.
This week, I’ve been trying to focus on getting answers for a bunch of fun questions: How long will I be off work? How will I make some money? What kind of financial support do I have? What kind of financial support can I get? Are there any assistance programs for young cancer patients? Can I work? What can I realistically commit to?
“Playing it by ear” has always been uncomfortable for me but I’m put in this situation because I really am not sure how my body will react to my treatment plan. No matter who I ask, the unanimous insight is that the experience is different for everyone and that one cannot predict what it will be like. The problem here is that I like to look in to what I’m committing to, get excited about it and follow through 100%. I don’t like being unreliable – but I have already felt my body and mind take me down some unpredictable moments. One moment I’m really high on energy and I feel like superwoman, the next my mind is cloudy and I need to take a nap. It’s frustrating, really.
I’m feeling a little useless, helpless and down because of it – and trying to dig myself out of this.