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Sorting out this next chapter of my life

9:15am. April 1st 2014. I just came back from walking my dog. Leia is beginning to learn to be more gentle with me. I’m proud of her. 

How I’m feeling: Disoriented. Confused. Sad. I had a dream last night about a certain somebody and a speculation that I’ve realized in the end doesn’t matter. Because nothing matters but me and my die-hard committed loved ones who have decided to step up to the plate to help me with this battle of mine. 

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This week, I’ve been trying to focus on getting answers for a bunch of fun questions: How long will I be off work? How will I make some money? What kind of financial support do I have? What kind of financial support can I get? Are there any assistance programs for young cancer patients? Can I work? What can I realistically commit to?

“Playing it by ear” has always been uncomfortable for me but I’m put in this situation because I really am not sure how my body will react to my treatment plan. No matter who I ask, the unanimous insight is that the experience is different for everyone and that one cannot predict what it will be like. The problem here is that I like to look in to what I’m committing to, get excited about it and follow through 100%. I don’t like being unreliable – but I have already felt my body and mind take me down some unpredictable moments. One moment I’m really high on energy and I feel like superwoman, the next my mind is cloudy and I need to take a nap. It’s frustrating, really.

I’m feeling a little useless, helpless and down because of it – and trying to dig myself out of this.

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