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Some Thoughts Before Chemotherapy Session #4

10:02pm. May 18th 2014. Watching Kung Fu Panda. Yup – you read right. I’m also kind of giggling at Leia getting a little startled from the fireworks going on outside. 

How I’m feeling: Really tired. I had a long and fun day with some great company 🙂 Also, I treated myself to some sexy from Victoria’s Secret. Right now, I’m feeling really down about tomorrow’s chemo session and trying to prevent myself from spiralling downwards with these thoughts. 

I’m trying to mentally, physically and emotionally prepare for tomorrow’s chemotherapy session. I’m not sure how to – but I’m going to try really hard.

To be honest, I’m really dreading tomorrow because I know that it will knock me down even more – and I’m already so so tired right now. I’ve been feeling the side effects accumulate especially between chemotherapy sessions #2 and #3 and this past period, between chemotherapy sessions #3 and #4 .

I’m getting so sick of being tired and low on energy. I’m getting sick of having to take many rests throughout the day. I’m getting sick of not having the energy to do many of the things I want to do. I’m getting sick of wishing there were sleeping pods everywhere I went so that I can rest when I need to. I’m getting sick of occasionally tuning out in the middle of conversations. I’m getting sick of not being able to make any firm plans in advance. I’m getting sick of unpredictable everything these days. I’m getting sick of being dependant.

To completely contradict some of the points above – I’m finding that literally taking things day by day is kind of freeing. It feels like one big exhale. A release. Spending way less time stressing out about things I cannot predict and plan for and just knowing that there is nothing I can truly 100% predict is….liberating. We all preach it: “Take things day by day” – but I never truly knew what it meant and felt like until the past 2 months. No where close to this extent at least.

A friend will be keeping me company tomorrow throughout my chemo treatment – so that’s something to smile about! While I may fall asleep right away from the Benadryl – it helps to know that I have a friend’s hand to hold if I need to. Maybe it’s time to pull out my Five Minute Journal and start listing things that I have to smile about. I know that there are tonnes and that the list outweighs the amount of things that are keeping me down.

I’m also going to spend my night making some plans for when I hope to be on my way up recovering from tomorrow’s session. This way – I have some things and people to look forward to 🙂 While as I go further in to this treatment plan – I’m left with less and less spoons, I’m grateful that I still have some. The scarcity of the spoons is also encouraging me to use them wisely. (Note: I refer to “The Spoon Theory” here. Please give it a read.)

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Thanks to Jocelyn for making me this healing necklace. How thoughtful of you! I’m taking these with me to chemotherapy tomorrow.


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