10:37pm. June 2nd 2014.
How I’m feeling: A little anxious. Kind of sad. A little odd – physically: Typing, putting bobby pins in my hair, buttoning and unbuttoning buttons (and other things that require my finger tips) have been getting tougher and tougher (my fingers and hands are so numb – a chemo side effect), I’ve been gaining some weight from my steroid meds and my eyelashes and eyebrows are really going 😦 I literally have 7 eyelashes on one eye and 10 on the other. I count and cherish them every day. I just don’t feel much like myself these days. Also, I miss dance – oh my gosh, I miss it.
I kind of just remembered that chemotherapy treatment #5 is this upcoming Monday, June 9th. Boy, does time fly! I took a look at my schedule this week and it’s packed air tight because I know that after chemotherapy, I’m going to be woman-down for a while. I never really know for how long – as it seems to be kind of inconsistent and unpredictable. Which has been my life over the past few months. Inconsistent and unpredictable.
Packed air tight by the way, is a maximum of two things/day. I have found that my body and mind does not seem to allow me to go beyond two things a day (and on some days, that’s pushing it) comfortably. My mind starts to get really foggy, I lose focus on what I’m doing and/or saying, I get sleepy and my body just says – “That’s enough. Go home or go lay down right now or else I’m going to cause a scene”
While I am not working throughout treatment, there are still so many things I want to get done – including getting back to some really important people whom have reached out to lend their support. But because I have such a limited amount of energy in my tank, I’m not operating at the 200% I’m used to operating at – which in itself has been causing some emotional and mental difficulties. Most recently, I seem to start my day off at 40% and it sometimes takes me through the entire day – or it goes to empty in the afternoon, I take a nap and then get it back at 40% for a few hours before it’s back at 0%.
I’m trying to not get ahead of myself by thinking about how crappy next week is going to be – but it’s really tough. Not allowing my thought flow get so ahead of the present is something that takes active effort – every.single.day. Getting used to being ok with not being able to accurately predict and anticipate is not easy. I haven’t meditated in a couple of days and so I don’t think it’s a complete coincidence that I’m starting to lose my focus on the present. I’ve recently had to handle a situation that required some serious active mindfulness to get me through it – but then after that, I think my mind became so exhausted from it that I dropped it. It’s just like working out: It takes practice, momentum is key, and in the long run it’s really great for you but especially at the start and throughout it can be mentally and physically exhausting.
By the way, I just re-read the above paragraph. Holy cow. Who the hell am I? I’m one of those folks that have always said things like “I don’t have time for meditation” “Mediation is not for me” “I can’t just F%$#ing sit still for even just 2 minutes without going insane” In fact, for 2 years I really gave meditation a chance in so many ways. In-class sessions (one-on-one and group), video lessons, audio lessons – you name it. I guess it wasn’t until recently when my relationship with meditation was meant to begin. And boy, has it changed my life – in so many ways. I feel much more in control, calmer, happier and at peace with myself and others. There’s definitely less anger and anxiety flowing through me and it feels good and healthier.
Some photos from my trip to Toronto Western General Hospital to get a CT scan done: