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Getting ready for another checkpoint

10:24pm. June 5th 2014. Waiting in my old, staged and for sale home for my ride to my temporary home. Many thoughts flowing through me right now.

How I’m feeling: In my old home – nostalgic and kind of sad to say goodbye but curious, determined and hopeful for my next chapter. I’m proud of how much I was able to comfortably get done today and how “selfish” I was.

I’m sitting here crying in the dark as I allow these bittersweet memories of this place dance around me. A part of me does feel good and relieved to let go of this place because it’s associated with a lot of baggage that I need to free myself from – including the fact that I had made decisions in this home with careful and loving consideration to my ex-boyfriend’s (then, boyfriend) comfort and happiness.

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I’m trying to shift my focus towards the present by allowing myself to feel the way I feel about my day today. It was a long one – and I’m still so shocked and grateful that I lasted as long as I did.  Yesterday, I could barely get out of bed and today I was able to do 4 things from 9:00am to 10:00pm. Talk about unpredictable! Don’t get my wrong, I’m exhausted – but I was able to get through it and I’m so happy about that.

Tomorrow early morning, I have blood work and an appointment with my oncologist to prepare for Monday’s chemo #5 session. I have been really down especially over the past few days because of it. Another chemo session that is going to really knock me out for a while. More uncomfortable and stronger side effects. I don’t know how much more I can take.

And then I think about how much I’ve gotten done between chemotherapy session #4 and today. I’ve taken some really big deep breaths and braved it out in a handful of ways, I’ve taken scary chances, I have opened up my heart, been vulnerable and allowed those whom have earned it in and have been extremely grateful. What I found interesting was that none of the more external or material things that happened came to mind. It wasn’t “Shopping with my friend” “Going out for a few really lovely dinner dates”, “Catching up my my friend over dim sum this morning”, “Inspiring a group of entrepreneurs”, “Pitching some awesome business growth ideas to my colleague”, etc – and I’m glad they didn’t.

Whenever it’s my time to go – I don’t wish to be remembered for those sort of external and material moments of impact. And evidently, that time can be anytime. If you were to not wake up tomorrow, would you be at peace with yourself? Have you fought the longest and hardest for what and who you want? Have you told certain people how you really feel about them? What have you taught people about themselves? Have you done your part in your relationships? Have you met your purpose? Have you lived life and communicated with honesty? Have you allowed yourself to be vulnerable? Did you woman/man-up for your well-deserved self and your loved ones?

I asked myself this question the day I met my oncologist (and a new side of me) – and my answer was an unsure “Yes? I think so?” Not good enough in my books. And so, ever since then I started making some changes.

That said, I think I am more content (Ok, maybe not content – more “OK with”) going in to my next chemo session. I am becoming much more at peace with myself every single day.

There are still a few days left before chemo #5, so there’s still time for me to squeeze in some more happy before I’m woman-down. I ain’t done yet!

Some photos from my day:

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Last night, I slept over at a friend’s place. I suggested we have a meat and cheese and art night – and so that’s what we did 🙂 Here’s a photo of our unfinished art.

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Dim sum with a friend at 9am. Definitely the earliest I’ve ever dim-summed. It was great 🙂

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Orientation at Gilda’s Club. I’m so blown away by this facility, the story behind it, the dedication from the staff and their experience with and compassion to cancer patients like myself.

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Another shot of Gilda’s Club. It really is a beautiful space.

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Watching the sunset from a stunning rooftop patio in Liberty VIllage. I was invited by Ladies Learning Code Co-founder Melissa Crnic to join her and 26 others in the first ever Toronto edition of The Gratitude Kit. It was incredible!

1 reply »

  1. Remembered? I think of, and will always think of you as one of the most passionate people I have ever met. And now, you are showing me what it means to be courageous. And like reading about sex versus having an orgasam (if you’ll excuse the analogy for a moment) both passion and courage are only something that can be experienced and You, Carolyn Van show people how, making it almost impossible for them to be unaffected by you and your indivisible essence.
    With thanks for You – Gerry

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