4:38pm. June 16th 2014.
How I’m feeling: Not so strong mentally, emotionally and physically – and feeling really isolated, claustrophobic and trapped. I’m sad that this chemotherapy session really kicked my ass. I’m sad that side effects are getting stronger. I’m sad that I can’t plan anything with confidence because I don’t know where and how I will be tomorrow. I’m trying to stay hopeful that this week will be a better one!
I’m exhausted and my brain is still kind of foggy so, I recorded this about an hour ago:
There’s a high depression rate for young adults who fight through cancer. And I guess it’s because this experience really matures you – and it puts things in to perspective very quickly. And so, while all other millennials are stressing out about bridesmaids dresses, relationship issues, not being able to pay the bills, their latest entrepreneurial venture, their ex boyfriends/girlfriends, new in-law drama, work, gossip, etc. – you’re going through F#$!ING FIGHTING CANCER which means it can all of the sudden become difficult to relate to the usual first world, millennial, non-cancerous hardships and problems.
I’m already starting to relate to this in a very real way. It’s not that I don’t understand other people’s problems and can’t empathize with them. It’s not that I don’t see other people’s problems as “real” problems. It’s just that all of the things that have caused me any sort of stress or pain at any point in my life have absolutely no comparison to what I have overcome in just over the past few months. With this massive shift in perspective, I have realized that much of our stresses are based on problems we allow ourselves to create and see. And so, tackling and working through challenges are a heck of a lot easier now. And helping my friends and family members tackle through their challenges are also a heck of a lot easier now as well.
I feel like I’ve arrived here because fighting this has made me feel even more invincible than I felt before all of this happened. I feel pretty damn bulletproof. I look back at any challenges that I’ve faced in the past and think “PSH! That was really nothing. If only you were faced with that now, you’d handle it calmly like a pro” I’ve gained a whole other level of appreciation for the things that really do matter (and now I know who and what those are) and the ability to not give a damn about the little things (which is right now in my books – anything but getting cancer and going through what I’m going through).
Truthfully, I really can’t think of even one darkest of dark life challenge I don’t think I can handle. Go ahead. Come at me, life. I feel like freakin’ SUPERWOMAN.
P.S. I just realized that I wrote quite a bit for what I had thought I was capable of. I wonder if the above made any sense. I don’t like to edit (or even re-read) my posts as I want to make sure that what I’m documenting is me in the exact mental and emotional state I’m in. I’m still suffering from some serious chemo-brain and so I don’t feel very coherent.