11:44pm. June 18th 2014.
How I’m feeling: Exhausted. I have a headache. But, happy 🙂
Yesterday was a dark day. I had a meltdown. A complete breakdown. And this time, my mom caught me right as I was in the middle of it. I trembled, there was tissue paper everywhere and I couldn’t form many sentences. I was all over the place. A F&#!ing mess. It had been a long while since I had one – and well, it all came flooding in. I was sick of everything being about me. I was sick of all of the new adjustments. I was sick of being so god damn sensitive. I was sick of being unpredictable. I was sick of feel like an inconvenience. I was sick of feeling isolated, micomanaged and smothered. I was sick of Carolyn with Cancer. I was sick of being sick. (I use “was” but I still very much so still “am”)
I couldn’t stop crying. No matter what I did, tears kept on flowing. I couldn’t quite articulate how I was feeling. I kept on repeating the same things.
And well, it’s interesting to think back about how much of an epic breakdown I had – because today was a good day. It was a really really good day. While, I’ve definitely hit my physical, mental and emotional limit as I type this – I want to make sure I try to document something in this exact moment. It may act as a reminder that no matter how dark things can get, I am capable of bouncing back fairly quickly. In this case, a matter of a day.
Something that I find quite frightening these days is what I have been experiencing mentally. My brain doesn’t always feel 100% there. It feels foggy. It feels like I’m on drugs (which is in fact, the case). I sometimes tune out in the middle of conversations and sometimes while I’m in the middle of trying to articulate a thought – it just fades away. What I’ve got upstairs is so important to me. I’ve worked hard at developing my own intellectual property – that the fact of losing some of it is so terrifying. While this part of “chemo-brain” is temporary, I’m starting to do more puzzles and intellectually stimulating activities to help with the rehab.
Today, I went to day one of one of my favourite annual conferences – Ideacity. Ideacity always leaves me very inspired, with a whole lot to think about and with a great big giant batch of new learning. I knew that I had to make it out even if I couldn’t make it through the entire conference – and I’m glad I did. I knew that it would make for some great intellectual stimulation. Other than learning about some truly extraordinary things (like making real life Jurassic Park happen, elevators to space and 3D printed cancer meds) and meeting the great people behind them – I got to spend time with a couple of familiar faces. Not only did I get to spend time with them – but I connected with them on a deeper and more meaningful level.
Something I am finding these days is that those whom I choose to spend my time and energy with – I am for the most part connecting with on a whole other level. While I have always had the ability to really build strong connections with people fairly quickly, what I have been experiencing lately has been truly, something else. Maybe it’s my “emotionally slutty-ness” – allowing myself to be utterly honest and vulnerable that’s inspiring others to do the same with me. Maybe it’s the fact that since I have a small window of feeling relatively well between chemo treatments, I have to be selective with what and whom I spend my time, mind and energy with these days. I have no idea – but I know that something is working in my favour and I love it. I mentioned in my latest audio post that I am no longer interested in further maintaining those surface level, “show face”, shallow relationships we all have in our lives. Life is much too short. I don’t have time for that s#!@. It looks like by me just being me, the relationships that meet my new high standard are happening and flourishing – and those which do not wither away. It’s crazy – I don’t even have to try. This whole cancerous chapter of mine is doing all of the work itself in very interesting ways – and I’m finally ok with letting it do it’s thing.
It was the relationships I further invested in today that made my day. It helped me bounce back. I further invested in a relationship with someone whom I should spend more time loving above anyone else – myself – by exercising that brain of mine with some serious intellectual stimulation, built stronger connections with a few people, learned how good of a friend a friend of mine is, was a sounding board for that same friend, had enough energy to support my friends at Crowdtilt for their Canadian launch and got sucked in to an epic conversation about video games, food-hacks, work-flow processes and the pharmaceutical industry with a new friend 🙂
Fingers crossed for tomorrow to be another good day!