11:34pm. June 25th 2014.
How I’m feeling: OK but my mind is really distracted. I’m having a tough time focusing on what I should be focusing on. There’s a lot going on in my mind, my heart and in my gut right now. And admittedly, too much of it is concerning others and not enough about myself. Others who likely have already lost the privilege of consuming this much space in my mind, heart and gut.
The past few days have been really rough for me. And now that I am approaching another chemo session, I’m beginning to feel really sad. I’m so sick of rehab-ing and so I’m finding more and more ways to just live (while at the same time not ignoring the fact that I am still rehab-ing).
Someone asked me the other day what I have learned so far from this journey and my answer was something like “Oh man, it would take days for me to share everything I’ve learned. And so, just one of the things I’ve learned is that I’m really F$#!ing indestructible. And I thought I was a pretty damn strong before all of this” That past Carolyn would not even stand a chance with this Carolyn. I’d be able to kick her ass so hard, reason with her and really put her at ease. There is so much I’d be able to teach that Carolyn. I feel like I can truly conquer anything and everything right now. Nothing is too uncomfortable or awkward for me. Nothing is too scary for me. No situation is too complex for me to not be able to handle and figure out. Nothing is too stressful for me.
I’m only just past the halfway mark through treatment – and I’ve already learned so much about people, myself, love, relationships, communication and life. There isn’t one gear inside of me that hasn’t shifted. It’s really an interesting sensation to have gone through and changed so much in such a short amount of time – only a few months! The changes have been positive ones and wouldn’t have happened at such a rapid fire pace if this cancer hadn’t entered my life.
But no, Cancer is NOT a gift. I really hate it when people say that it is. “This cancer is a gift!”
Really? A gift? Would you like for me to wrap it up in a pretty bow and surprise re-gift it to you? I didn’t think so.
When I get comments like that from people, I just assume that their intentions are good. I believe what they really mean is that this cancer can be considered as a catalyst for positive change. Well, that’s how I like to think of it at least. There’s no doubt that cancer changes every ounce of you in HUGE ways – but I say “positive change” because there is no way I’d allow this cancer to affect me in negative ways. There’s just no way. While, I definitely have my dark moments, I seek comfort in knowing that I will eventually bounce back up and that it will amount to a positive outcome.
On a very much so related note, my friend sent along this TedTalk to me today. Give it a watch!