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Heading in to chemo session #6 – and my heart is happy.

9:56am. June 27th 2014

How I’m feeling: I can’t stop smiling. Every inch of my body is so happy right now and I’m trying to hold on to this feeling.

I’m at Princess Margaret Hospital right now. I just had blood work done and am waiting in the Hematology area to see my oncologist, Dr. K. I’m hoping to receive some good news regarding my latest chest scans and find out that Monday will be my last chemotherapy session! I am so over chemotherapy. Just thinking about Monday is making me ill. I feel kind of defeated from this whole chemotherapy thing. Whoa whoa whoa..wait a minute, who am I kidding? Does “defeat” even exist in my vocabulary? Defeat and I don’t get along for very long at all – that’s for sure.

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There’s a lot of this whenever I’m at PMH – waiting around. Usually I take the time to reflect, learn, re-read encouraging words and positive messages from my friends and family and look through photos from happy times. I’m taking more photos these days.

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Needles and blood work. You’d think I’d be used to this by now.

So, yesterday started off not so great. I had to break plans for a phone call because I woke up mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well over the past week and a bit and two nights ago was no exception. My mind has been really distracted and so I haven’t been able to focus on any one thing including the one sole thing I should be focusing on – myself. As a result, I’ve been either upset or depressed lately. I really don’t like to throw the word “depressed” around – but I do think I hit a certain level of it.

That all changed yesterday. I had a lovely patio lunch with my friend Alkarim and he shared with me some of his personal conquests and battles. I then chatted on the phone with my friend Stefanie on my way over to my friends Khalid and Lannie’s place. My energy level started off at about 60% yesterday and I knew that I had to try to rest and recharge my tank before my evening plans. Khalid and Lannie were kind enough to let me nap at their place and I did so for about 45 minutes. My friend Sami got word that I was in the area and we ended up getting some sun and hung out over some green smoothies. And finally, my day ended with gelato and an epic conversation in the park with my friend Mark. It was a conversation that was so good for my soul and lasted for more than 3 hours. He also shared some of his own personal conquests and battles with me and we swore, shook our heads and laughed at life. Before we knew it, the sun was on it’s way down.

It means a lot to me whenever I unlock even a little bit of vulnerability in others. People tend to spill it all out with me and I love it. I feel such a sense of honour and I feel so privileged. To me, it means that we’ve established some sort of a meaningful connection. And that’s a great feeling. It’s something I’m always proud of.

Just two days ago, I was feeling so much anxiety for this appointment and my chemotherapy session on Monday – but today, I’m much more at ease. As I sit here in the Hematology waiting room, I’m really channeling the happy, courage, peace of mind and strength from my day yesterday. I can’t be more grateful that my last few days before Monday’s war was spent with some particular people. Alkarim, Stefanie, Khalid, Lannie, Sami, Mark – thank you so much for really making my day yesterday. Thanks for really stepping it up to be there for me. I’m thinking of you today.

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