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GDP Chemotherapy Cycle #2: I’ve been feeling rough but deciding to just live.

10:32pm. Wednesday, September 10th 2014. 

How I’m feeling: Still a bit rough. I’ve been having trouble sleeping over the past few days especially since Monday’s GDP Chemotherapy Cycle #2 part 1. 

UPDATE: Good news! On September 3rd, I was set free from my portable IV and pump. According to my blood lab results, my platelets were looking really good – so, something was working! My team felt that I was ready to get back on to my treatment plan and was all set for Monday, September 8th’s GDP Chemotherapy Cycle #2 part 1.

Admittedly, I went in to Monday’s session already quite anxious and stressed out both about the treatment progress and maybe some personal things. I tried really hard to shake it off – as I know that it won’t help the treatment. With some help from friends and family via text messages and FB messages – I was able to go in with a little more of a positive outlook on things!

It took 4 tries from 2 different nurses to find a vein that hadn’t already been used and abused:

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Attempts from nurse #1 on my right hand. IV in the hand are typically more painful for the patient – but easier to draw a blood line from.

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Attempts from nurse #2. Both nurses kept on saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry” as they were inserting the IV in my hands and wiggling it around in me” They both learned very quickly that I have a relatively high tolerance for pain as the other men and women in the room were squirming with their IV insertions – and I barely flinched. haha. Don’t get me wrong: there is no way I enjoy them one bit!

I slept for almost the entire time I was hooked up to the chemo treatment – other than when I had to go to the washroom (there are so many fluids being pumped in to me!) or when the nurses had to check my vitals. For the remainder of the day, I was completely knocked out. I was so exhausted and I slept for the rest of the evening through the night.

Since then, I have been trying to sleep all day and all night. Other than when I’m up trying to eat for the sake of being able to take my slew of meds – I’m trying to sleep. Admittedly, I’ve been unsuccessful at doing so – likely as a result of the discomfort from the side effects from the medication I am on and perhaps maybe a few things that have been stirring around on my mind. I’ve been slacking from my daily meditation lately – and so I’ll bet it’s not a coincidence. Time to kick my own ass and get back on it.

What has been keeping me going these days is that I’ve decided to just live through all of this. I’ve been thinking about the things that I’ve always wanted to do that I never had time to do (or more accurately – never made the time to do) and I’m slowly knocking them off of my list. Many of the things on that list, I would rationalize my way out of tackling. Typically telling myself things like:

  • “Carolyn, how does this contribute to your professional goals?”
  • “You’re not looking to become an X, Y or Z – what’s the point?”
  • “You should probably invest your time and energy in to something a little more relevant”

Now I’m telling myself: “What if I just want to do it – just because?” These recent thoughts seem to compliment my latest and current life chapter of being utterly vulnerable with myself and others, allowing myself to just let go and to just go with things 🙂

My how things have changed. Dramatically.

A couple of things on my list o’ things to do include:
1) Learning to play the guitar
2) Having more random paint jams – big and small.

You may have seen some Instagram pics of these sessions! There are a bunch more on my list. Some of are bigger (of which I can’t quite tackle right now with my treatment schedule) and some I can squeeze in in-between my schedule (like the two I’ve listed above).

GuitarJam1

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On another (but quite relevant) note: I consider myself to be a skilled communicator. It has gotten me to where I am with my relationships and professionally. But with the constant need I always seem to have to always be learning in one way or another, something I’m aiming to do is to learn to express myself via different communication mediums. Some of which I haven’t explored – just yet. Often (and especially over the past year and a bit) I am finding that communicating my thoughts verbally and in written-form hasn’t quite gotten the job done (to the point where it meets my own level of expectations – at least. If that’s even at all possible 😉 ) There is just so much more context and complexity I want to express to the world. And so, learning to play the guitar and paint are just two of the communication mediums I’ve chosen to tack on so far. Definitely more so on the creative side (and more slightly out of my classic “natural” comfort zone) – but I have some ambitious goals up aead and it includes me further improving my communication, documentation, analytical and research skills. I believe in being as well-rounded as possible – and being able to learn, consume, contribute and educate via different methods and approaches.

It all comes together, doesn’t it? It all will 🙂 I know it will because it always has and it always does.

Anyways, keep your fingers crossed for me. On Monday, September 15th I have GDP Chemotherapy Cycle #2 part 2. Until then, I’m hoping to be well enough to comfortably follow through with some fun and relaxing plans I’ve made in the latter half of this week and through the weekend leading up to Monday – but again, you never know. Things are so unpredictable.

Living and smiling 😀

Love you all. I really mean it from the deepest of the bottom on my heart.

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