1:14pm. Wednesday September 24th.
How I’m feeling: Energized for now – but aware that I only have so much battery life left in me for the day.
I’ve just landed at The Spoke Club after being interviewed for a podcast. It was so much fun. I always enjoy being interviewed, speaking at events – or just educating others in one way or another.
I’m feeling a bit frustrated with myself right now. I’m taking a look at my calendar, and it’s packed with so many things I was looking forward to doing this week – and I’ve had to cancel some of them. I also have a list of things I want to do and people I want to see on my own personal “waiting list” that I haven’t been able to get to. I’m a bit overwhelmed to say the least. I feel like such an unreliable flake – and it’s frustrating. I’m so annoyed at myself.
The week before chemotherapy is typically when I’m feeling my strongest. It’s when I’m the most recovered from my last session. And so it’s also when I try to get as much as I can done. You know, house chores, spend some quality time with those whom are near and dear to me – and do things that make me happy. This week is that week. Next Monday, I get another dose of GDP chemotherapy. It will be the first part of two of my 3rd GDP chemotherapy treatments. I’m a little nervous because the first part of my 2nd GDP chemotherapy really knocked me out for about a week. REALLY knocked me out. I was F%$#ing useless – even more than I feel these days. That said, before another potential knock out, I packed my week with a bunch of things that I wanted to do. A couple of which I’ve had to cancel at the last moment. And I’m so upset about it. IT. IS. SO.FRUSTRATING. I’ve had to do so due to the fact that just moments before, I wasn’t feeling my best, knowing that my energy battery was running really low and would not be able to take me through the event/activity – or knowing that mentally I’m not even close to 100% there.
For instance, I have to cancel on a couple of things today and I’m so bummed about it. Especially because they were things that I thoroughly am so enthused about. One of which was a session on wearable technology featuring the awesome folks at Interaxon, makers of MUSE. I wanted to go to support the team, the community, and to meet up with some of my favourite people while I was there. Totally my jam! But I’ve had to cancel for a few reasons. I have Monday’s chemotherapy session on the brain. I have to be in tip top shape for it – and I’m not feeling my best right now. Which means I have 5 days to get to where I need to be – whatever that is. All I know is that I need to be stronger than I am right now. I’m attempting to tackle part of this by writing. I haven’t written in a while – and I think I’m feeling the effects from it.
The scarcity of my energy and therefore time has really affected they way and how I chose to spend my time doing and who I spend it with. I am no longer interested in doing things just for the sake of doing it, “showing face” or seeing people whom I just like. Every single thing I spend my time doing, I thoroughly want to be doing and am 100% all in. Every person I spend it with, I LOVE to bits and are relationships that are extremely important to me. Evidently, life is too short – and can and does change within a matter of seconds. I’ve decided that I’m extremely valuable – and this includes my time. Knowing that within a matter of minutes my mental, emotional and physical energy can dip drastically – has me really choosing what I spend my time doing and who I spend it with very wisely. It’s all choice. And I only have so many spoons to spare.
You know me (those of you who know me) – I just want to be there for my loved ones. I always want to do more and better. I stick to my word. When I’m in, I’m 100% in. I want to be wonder woman.
Perhaps, the frustration I’m feeling is me being awfully mean to myself. I guess whenever I have to cancel or as I unforgivingly put it, “flake out”, I actually do have good reasoning behind it. I have to remind myself that I AM indeed going through what may very well be the toughest battle I will ever have to go through (and win) in my life – ever.