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[VIDEO] A rough weekend. I’m kind of panicking. Halp.

11:50pm. Sunday, October 5th. 

How I’m feeling: Better, now that I’ve recorded this post. Physically – kind of uncomfortable. Swelling in my face, neck, chest, back of neck. I’m about to listen to a Radiolab (My favourite podcast) episode to try to wind down, meditate for 10 minutes and then take another stab at sleeping again. 

A quick video update. Trying to hold it together, but really – I’m feeling a sense of panic. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.

Note: Last few seconds of the video, I meant “October 14th”.

I had a really rough weekend. A REALLY rough weekend. Physically, mentally and emotionally – mostly physically. Though I suppose all 3 are very much so connected. I had to cancel a bunch of plans as a result. But here are a few things/people that made this weekend a little easier to get through!

  • Packing for NYC
  • Celebrating Lannie’s birthday – even though I was very uncomfortable throughout the entire time and I almost passed out. It was such an odd and scary feeling
  • Having even a clearer understanding of knowing who and where to invest my love, care, energy, thoughts and emotions towards
  • This crisp fall weather
  • Quality time with Carla
  • A whole lot of meditation
  • Heart-to-hearts with Jill
  • Swinging by The Underground and seeing some of my Army Of Sass (Lieutenant level) sisters. I may not know every single person’s name (yet) – but visiting for the brief few minutes meant a lot to me. It reminded me that strength is in numbers, of all the sweat and hard work that was put in to my fundraiser on July 30th, how much of a positive impact a group of people can have on someone (in this case, me) and that I MISS DANCE SO MUCH. According to my treatment team, my energy level, capacity and breathing is not in well enough shape for  me to get back to it – yet.

Another chemo session tomorrow. I’m so nervous. Just thinking of the hospital sights, sounds and smells is starting to make me feel sick to my stomach.

1 reply »

  1. Hi Carolyn, I listened to your podcast while I was still in bed this morning… just focus on the end result of treatment and not the getting there. you have a much better chance of the transplant working because they are your own cells and may even have less side effects because they are harvested from your own body – less chance of rejection or Graft vs.Host side effect. From the sounds of it you have not been housebound by treatment so far so you will probably not be felled by this nect round!! Think positive and that it won’t happen. I hope the swelling does not continue and admit I was a bit puzzled by your decision to go to NYC and not stay local on Canadian soil should an emergency arise but my sister (who has been in your shoes) explained it’s also the need to do something big in case you are not able to for a while afterwards… and the need to see NYC in the fall which is lovely. Enjoy the trip!

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