10:20pm. Saturday November 8th.
How I’m feeling: Refreshed after a shower. While it’s still difficult to do so, I am able to shower myself without the assistance of a nurse. The nurse does make sure to stay close by incase anything happens. I’m also much more comfortable after having my hickman line’s dressing changed. It was getting really itchy. I’m sad because I’m beginning losing my hair. Again. As if the first time wasn’t traumatic enough.
This morning, I woke up to this:
A pillowcase full of my hair.
I’m so sad that I’m going through this hair loss thing again JUST as my hair was really starting to grow back. It’s been growing back because (before I had this high dose 5Xs stronger chemo done on the 25th and 26th of October) it has been a while since my last chemo treatment. Yes, I knew this was going to happen. My nurse told me that the high dose chemo will cause hair loss. And yes, I’ve gone through this already. But it doesn’t make me less sad. And it doesn’t make it less difficult to cope with. Right now, my hair is at a length where I can actually grab a hold of something but now when I do, this happens:
Do you know what’s even tougher to cope with than the hair loss? Losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. I had a tough time back when I lost most of my eyebrows and eyelashes with my first chemo cycles earlier this year. With my head hair loss, I can wear my wig. With my eyebrows and eyelashes – it’s a little more difficult to mask it confidently, especially the lashes. I’m trying to stay away from rubbing and touching my eyes. I’m scared that if I do, my eyelashes are just going to fall out on me. I have been advised to stay away from false eyelashes (not that I’d have the patience to put a pair on every day. There is just no way! haha) because the glue that’s used is full of all sorts of not so good for me chemicals. So, fingers crossed that my eyebrows and eyelashes will hang on real tight!
So much of this current treatment program has been reminiscent of a bunch of things that happened earlier this year when I was admitted in to PMH for the first time and of my initial treatment program. I just hope that the big difference this time around will be that it’ll work! The only thing I want right now is that this treatment program is going to be the one that will kick this cancer’s ass for good. I’m so done with all of this. I’m over constantly being drugged up. I’m through with living with these awful side effects.
To get myself excited about things to come (and there are many!) I’ve been looking at bad-ass short hair styles for when my hair grows to a short hair style length. Who knows? I may end up loving the way I look with short hair and decide to not wear my wig! We’ll see. Check out my Pinterest board of short cuts that I’ve been digging these days.
Also, once I’m out of here – which should be early next week – I’m thinking of getting some bangs. Does anybody remember me with bangs? Here are some photos:
I’ve also been Pinning some bang cuts I like. Check them out here. Some people have breakup haircuts. This will be my “I’m F&^%ing DONE with chemo and had my stem cell transplant” haircut!