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[VIDEO] My breakdown in the washroom and the “F word”

7:45pm. Sunday, December 21st 2014 

How I’m feeling: Great! Today was a good day. I started the day off having Christmas brunch with my family at Old Mill and right before writing and filming for this post, have been prepping for a big bakeathon. I’ve got some important people to bake for this Christmas 🙂 

Remember this recording of my (one of many) washroom breakdowns?:

You can read the rest of the post here.

This video was taken on September 26th, after I celebrated finally being DONE WITH CHEMO – or so I thought, after I was up at the cottage and felt that something was wrong and decided to check myself in to Toronto Gen Emergency, after feeling really defeated when learning that my body was resisting chemo, after finding out that I needed more (and more aggressive) chemo and a stem cell transplant (which includes a really high dose chemo session), after being admitted in to the hospital due to infections – and therefore not being able to move forward with my scheduled chemo treatments – and before the stem cell transplant and high dose chemo.

I can tell you that in this moment, there were a whole slew of thoughts zipping back and forth and all over the place in my mind. I felt like I was going to explode because there was so much information coming my way and so many procedures and treatments I was going through faster than I could ever possibly understand and process. In fact, it’s how I have often felt over the past 9 months and so sometimes I have felt a little numb – more so in certain treatment phases than others. Although, I guess the fact that I’ve acknowledged my “numb-ness” is a good thing. It means that I’m feeling, am present and have still maintained being very self aware.

I never shared with you all what really made me upset that day. What was on that list that scared me so much? To this day only a handful of people know what the big heavy hitter was for me. I was nervous, embarrassed, scared and ashamed to tell people – but this evening I’m deciding to share it with all of you. It’s something that I am constantly thinking of, of which I have to kind of park at the back of my mind – for now until I win this current and more significant battle of mine. Here’s to hoping I don’t turn in to a big puddle of a mess in front of you all – but you and I are way past that. You just never know. I know I don’t.

Did you see my Christmas tree in the background? I decided to include some festive twinkle for you in my video. Happy holidays and all the best to you and yours in the new year! Thanks so much for your support through all of this over the past 9 months. My healing journey will continue onwards in to 2015 but I intend on being alive and well in the new year. See you then!

1 reply »

  1. Thanks for sharing such an intimate thing. You will be an amazing mom however it comes about and an awesome aunty in the meantime :). Wishing you a 2015 filled with more strength, positivity and good news!

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