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It’s been heavy but I’m digging myself out of this hole I’m in.

5:53pm. Friday, February 20th. 

How I’m feeling: On my way up 🙂 

If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that it’s been a heavy few weeks. I’ve been trying my best to just live. I suppose that’s all we can do, right?

Amidst the story of events in my journey over the past few weeks, there have been a few other things that have happened that have really gotten to me. As you know (mentioned at the end of my last post), I lost my cousin’s husband to Leukaemia. He was a new father, energetic and just a shining light. He passed very quickly through a procedure that I had also gone through back in October 2014. A friend of mine reached out to let me know that he was just diagnosed with tongue and lymphoma cancer. A friend’s father’s just got diagnosed with Lymphoma. And a friend’s friend passed away after her fight against breast cancer only a few days before a big fundraiser event that was set to be put on for her.

Cancer is….everywhere. And I’m sick of it. I’m so F%$#ing sick of it. My head feels like it’s going to explode. It makes me want to scream. Everywhere I look, it’s taking people down. The two people that lost their battle had been fighting for approximately 5 years. And I have to say that I’m only one year in and I’m already so exhausted. To live with it for years? I can’t even imagine what that would be like. Then again, there was no way I had imagined going through what I have gone through over the past year. Even looking back, I can’t believe some of the things I’ve made it through. I’m just so sick of being sick. I’m so sick of living with cancer. What’s happened over the past few weeks has me feeling a little helpless and defeated. I want to punch cancer so hard in the neck. I can feel so much anger swimming around in me right now – but I’m trying to let these tense feelings go because I know it’s not good for me. It’s not good for anyone. It can be really poisonous.

So, things are a little bit on the dark side right now. But even through this, I’m trying my very best to just live the best that I can. I know that life is good and there are so many things to be grateful for – but things have just been overwhelmingly not so fun all at once. And I’m aware that this is why I’ve started to lose sight of things.

My job right now is to get myself out of this little hole I’m in. I’m thinking I need to surround myself with all of the things I’m so incredibly grateful for. That can’t be so tough, right? Really, I just have to open my eyes – and put some extra effort in to paying attention to them. Perhaps it’s time to whip out my Five Minute Journal.

I want to make a point to thank each and every one of you who have been following along. All of you at all the different stages of this journey so far. As rollercoaster-y as this has been, I know that you have been right there with me. I honestly don’t know how I’m doing any of this – but I’m doing it. There are however a couple of things I’m 100% certain about. And it’s that your support has really helped me along the way and that we are all MUCH stronger and are capable of so much more than we even know. Believe me. Just when I think I’ve hit my absolute capacity of doing the best that I can, being physically, emotionally and mentally the strongest I am capable of being – I really surprise myself with how much more I can extend past that.

P.S. Thanks to Zach Bussey for mentioning me on his list of people/blogs to follow.


Some things that are making me happy right now:

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This time last year (less than a month away from when I was diagnosed), I was in Cuba. How much has happened since then is so surreal. I barely recognize the person I was a year ago.

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Thoughts about the next time I’ll be drinking coconut water and scooping out coconut meat by the ocean. Yum!

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Just a couple of my favourite ladies: Lannie and Sami. It’s life situations like this that have given us the opportunity to have come so far over the past few years.

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Spending some much needed quality time with my incredible S.O. I’m so happy we found each other and am so grateful for our partnership.

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My dog niece and human niece making it rain with lucky red envelopes. Happy New Year!

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My dog daughter, Leia. She has played such an important role throughout all of this. Animals are incredible.

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