11:00pm Friday October 23rd 2015.
How I’m feeling: All over the place:
- Great -> I just got back from a consulting gig with a friend. I love that I am starting to work more and more with my friends.
- Exhausted -> It’s been a really crazy week but I’m so…
- Proud -> It’s been a really great week.
- Calm -> I’ve done a few things that I know have contributed to making me feel so peaceful.
- Excited -> Tomorrow – I’m off on a romantic, beautiful, picturesque weekend with some of my squad to celebrate my birthday.
- Happy -> To be here.
- Emotional and all choked up -> Because I’m here.
So, I’m turning 30 in less than an hour. All sorts of emotions are zipping through me. Normally, I wouldn’t consider the “Big 3-0” as a significant thing. But it’s a big deal to me. And I’ll tell you why.
Last year, I was at a very different spot in my life. Some documented on here, some not. What is documented publicly, you can find right here. It was quite the birthday. I remember what it was like to question myself this time last year. I remember texting some loved ones about how I was feeling. I remember sitting on my couch for hours trying to decide if I should head on over to the E.R. (which I knew meant hours and hours waiting around) – or if I should wait until my next appointment only a few hours away. I remember feeling so frustrated that my body and mind wouldn’t give it up and hold on until the next day. I remember feeling defeated when deciding to head on over. I remember tearing up as numerous hospital staff realized it was about to be my birthday in a few hours each and every time they took my personal info down – “Oh – It’s your birthday…” “Ya…….it is” – I said. I didn’t know what else to say. Nobody knew what to say.
This time last year, I was here.
…crying in a dark room at Toronto General Hospital – while the ER staff was trying to figure out what was going on. After waiting around, reading beautiful birthday messages that were coming in via text, Facebook and email – and watching that incredible birthday video that was put together by my family and friends (arranged by my amazing sis!), it was decided by my oncology team that it would be best to move forward with my high dose chemo and stem cell transplant (I think this was plan b or c? Remember, this was after a treatment plan or two wasn’t enough) earlier than what was initially planned. Something wasn’t right. I had to start then and there. (And so, I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for any of this. There is no way to be ready for it) It was a very good thing that I decided to make the call to go to E.R. – and not wait for my appointment the next day. I really listened to myself. I recognized and pushed away of all of the external factors that would have my stray. I replaced it with the things that I had learned helped me to be aligned. When I did this, I heard and felt the signals. I trusted that they were trying to tell me something. And I had an idea of what they were trying to tell me. Low and behold – I needed to be there. I needed to be in ER that nigh and to not wait until the next day. It was a time when listening to my gut and only MY gut had paid off.
And let me tell you this…that experience, along with many last year – and really, regularly since then has especially demonstrated that my intuition and I, are like this -> || now. I keep on proving to myself that I’ve got her back. And that she’s got mine. It’s trust like no other.
And so, I’ve made it to my 30s. I can officially say this now (as of 10 minutes ago). I have to say that I really love getting older. I feel like my 20s was a lot of confusion, tying my happiness with external factors (other people and things) and accepting myself. But it’s transitioned towards not just being “ok” with myself – but to loving myself!
This birthday is a big deal to me. I received special clearing last year to leave the hospital to celebrate my birthday because it could have very well been my last.
I am incredibly grateful…To be here for another moment – this very moment. To be able to connect with all those whom I choose to have in my life. To have had the support and love from my friends, family, colleagues, dancemates, acquaintances and even strangers. To now have an even stronger relationship with myself. To no longer have any interest in surface level anything. To feel so human – more than I ever have. To have encountered every single person I have encountered in my life thus far. To have grown a new layer of compassion. To know what sheer happiness is. To know what it is to feel unconditional love. To be unconditionally loved. To know and live my worth. To unapologetically have high standards for myself and for others. To have developed an intolerance for unkindness. To know that we are stronger than we can ever come close to comprehending. To have no fear (really, NO fear – other than the fear of never feeling fear again). To know that there is more that we don’t know than we know. To be able to inhale. To be able to exhale.
To you that’s reading this, thank you for tuning in to this little sliver of my life.
Cheers to this truly spectacular thing called life.