12:46am Monday, March 21st. Just came back from a late night walk.
How I’m feeling: Thinking about what I can do to get some sleep tonight. Before my walk – I hit record and dumped out 30 minutes of what was going on in my head as I realized what my day would be like tomorrow. Feel free to watch/listen.
I realized that my makeup was not at all waterproof – the moment I spotted my reflection in a mirror after uploading this video. I laughed at how crazy I looked. Some of that fine work was documented in this monologue:
I’m not exactly sure of what I spoke about for 30 whole minutes. On that note, I wonder when I’ll watch/read/listen to my posts. I’ve yet to do so.
All of this was never for an audience. It was never for anyone else – and truthfully, it still isn’t. That is not my intention. And because of this, I want this to capture everything in the exact moment it’s documented.
If I’m incoherent, angry, really drugged, exhausted, my heart and head is all over the place, feeling defeated, – or celebrating the fact that I now have leg hair to shave again (true story) – I want it all documented. All of the above has likely been documented somewhere in here over the past couple of years. I want to remember and learn every ounce of this experience. Including – and especially those darker moments. Because overcoming those – well, that’s where the good stuff is. On the way up from those is where things get juicy and sexy.
I am not ashamed of this current (and all) chapter(s) of my life. In fact, I’m proud. So, I allow myself to go there. Like, REALLY go there – and it is far from easy. This blog sort of gives myself permission to do so. It gives me a channel to be vulnerable. And whomever happens to tune in to witness this, can do so – and do and think whatever they please with it. What you are witnessing is nothing so unordinary. In fact, it’s human.
I’ve just allowed myself to be human.
The moment I watch/read/listen to my posts, I run the risk of beginning to shift towards catering, creating and optimizing an experience for others. And the moment that’s a goal – what gets edited are the real and raw documented moments I’m experiencing first hand.
Essentially, one giant metaphor for how I choose to treat and live life. To just be. That is all that is expected of you. That is all everyone is trying so desperately to work towards – or more so accurately, find their way back to.